A Day In the Life Through My Eyes

Fairy Godmother

2011-12-29T14:08:00.002+10:00

I find that I blog most often when I'm crying on the bathroom floor. When everything sucks and things don't seem like they can get any worse. But not today. Today, I start blogging when I'm happy. And few things have made me as happy as I was last night.

Diana gave birth. Her family is the closest thing we have to family here. That's not correct, they are family. I've known her forever. I was a bridesmaid at her wedding and was witness to the journey to the birth of this baby. It was a difficult road, but they stayed positive even on the darkest days. The happiness everyone feels for them is pretty overwhelming.

The day after Audrene was born, I went to visit the little family at the hospital. I haven't been around a lot of babies in my life. I love them and I'm told I'm pretty good with them, but I don't know how to take care of them. I've never fully changed a diaper and I have rules about holding them. They need to be able to hold their own head up. I'm really scared at how fragile they are. And that night wasn't any different. My heart was full at seeing her, but I kept my distance. I could stare at her all night though. So, then Diana introduced us.

Audrene, this is your Ninang.

I was caught off guard. I thought it was a slip of the tongue. She had just had a baby, it's understandable that her mind was tired. So, I played it off so things wouldn't get "awkward" at the mistake.

What?....(trailing giggle, while keeping eyes fixed on the baby)

Yeah, I'm not the best at avoiding awkward situations. She went on explaining.

Well, this is your MAIN Ninang.

I was so surprised. All I could squeak out was an, "Are you serious???" I could have happy cried. This is my first godchild. By all accounts, that's pretty amazing. Most people I know have 5 or 6 godkids. I was seriously starting to think there was something wrong with me. Was I a bad person? Did I emotionally remove myself from all my relationships with people to the point of no one feeling close enough to ask me?

I am pretty stoked. I drove home trying to figure out the exact duties of a godparent. I'm going to have to learn how to hold her. And probably change a diaper. I want to be able to take care of her if they need me to. I want to be close to her. I want to be fun, loving, understanding, but still respected Ninang Colynn all rolled into one. I'm already thinking how I want to have scheduled me and baby time when she's old enough. Movie days, lunch treats, that kind of thing. I know I'm romanticizing it. Nothing ever happens the way you want it to. But it's my sincerest intentions to have that kind of relationship with her. Most importantly I just want to be a good godmother.

Now, just get a little stronger so I could snuggle you in my arms. I can't wait.

Ordering Flowers

2011-08-19T13:42:00.002+10:00

My first job was at a flower shop. I kind of grew up there and they're like family. This is how ordering flowers from there goes now:

Me: Hey, I need to order a lei for my mom.

Flower Shop: Okay.

Me: I'll be by after I get off work to pick it up.

Flower Shop: So, you're coming after work to make it?

Me: Yeah. Thanks, guys.

Amid the Pile

2009-07-31T15:45:00.002+10:00

I had the mini-breakdown that had been festering beneath the surface for the last few weeks yesterday. And, as is typical, it came at the most inopportune time. You know how you try to hold it in because you don't want anyone else to have to deal with your crazy. Then it just explodes at the worst possible time for the other person and at a time that maximizes how crazy you look. That's what happened.

Josh met a girl he likes. This is a good thing, but it brings with it so many other things. The main thing being my ever-present feeling that people aren't my friend because they like me, but because it is convenient for them at that point in time. With the presence of someone new, there is no longer a need for me and the friendship ends, I never hear from him again, etc. He probably gets it the worst because of everything I've put on him and the fact that, you know, he's the last one left! Poor guy. He thinks my fears are unwarranted. I think I have valid reasons.

In any case, I am determined to make this time different. I think I've found what went wrong. This could totally work.

I think that's what is always said before the boom.

Class of 1999

2009-07-19T01:40:00.002+10:00

I feel like I blinked and a decade had gone by. I went to my 10 year high school reunion. As I put my earrings on at the beginning of the evening, I realized that I wasn't anywhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life. No successful career, no husband and 2.5 kids. I am no closer to those things than I was 10 years ago. To top it all off, I was feeling like an ugly duckling. As I pressed my lipsticked lips together for the last once over in the mirror, I thought to myself, "Well, this is as good as it's gonna get." I wasn't looking down on myself, it's just how I felt. And that made me a little sad.

The reunion, itself, wasn't so bad. It wasn't great, but it was about what I expected it to be. We were at our tables, we were in our cliques. To say it wasn't great isn't really being fair. Maybe it was just the food that sucked. Seeing the girls was fun. I mingled, Diana won a camera. For the most part, 10 years hasn't done much. We're all still the same. We're loud. We like to have fun.

Afterwards, Dai and I talked about stuff over McNuggets. Like I said, the food sucked. That was probably the highlight. I like our catch-up conversations. Then Josh called me for "woman" advice. I told him I probably wasn't the best person to be talking to about this, but we did and I was more opinionated than I thought I would be. It was probably all lost on him. I think, as much as he hates this characteristic in me, he also will do what he wants to do regardless of what anyone tells him. Perhaps my own cynic view on life, love, and relationships is to blame, but I found it really difficult to have that conversation with him. I guess the ugly duckling feeling I had all night didn't help that any either.

Ten years went by way too quickly. And I'm wondering why I still don't have any of the things I thought I'd have by now. Things to think about. In any case, congratulations 99 Cougars. It was interesting....

Ugh.

2009-07-15T09:51:00.002+10:00

I guess "Back With A Vengeance" really meant that I would write one entry and then disappear for seven months. Sorry about that.

A million things have happened since then, but most of them aren't really that important. Cheryl unexpectedly came back for the summer. That was a good surprise, but it went by too quickly. During her stay we saw a few movies, went to the beach a few times, played Rock Band (not nearly enough), and ate more often than we should have. Thanks to those beach days, I'm about a shade and a half darker than I used to be. It's an accomplishment, but I'm beginning not to like it.

Char officially lives here. Her employment and acquisition of a boyfriend cemented it for me. Eric's a nice guy, but now that Cheryl is gone I'm not sure how often I'll be seeing those crazy kids. I love hanging out with Char, but I'm sure the third wheel will feel awkward for everyone.

Christine got engaged. In Forks, no less. Shh, don't tell Murl he proposed in Forks. I'm preparing for my fifth walk down the aisle as a bridesmaid. I'm thinking it will be my last. I just don't really think anyone else thinks enough of me to ask me again. This is a good one to go out on and I'm super excited.

She's not the only one. Darah is engaged and has set her date for the week after Chris' and Kai has set hers for November 2010. I had dinner with Dai, Nat, Shell, and Kai last night. With Michelle now a married woman and a month before the baby comes, I'm definitely beginning to feel all the change that is going on around me. Nat and I discussed the possibility of our going lesbian just because that is starting to seem like the only option open.

If all that weren't enough to amplify the sound of my ticking clock, my 10 year reunion is this Saturday. Ugh. We'll see how it goes.

Back With a Vengeance

2008-12-10T00:07:00.003+10:00

I almost forgot how to work this thing.

I deleted almost everything a long time ago, thinking it was time to move on to something new. Moving on meant moving the entries to another location in case I wanted to revisit it someday. Moving on wasn't really moving on at all. I got my own site because having my own domain was cool. But it proved too taxing for scatterbrained me. You have to renew it every few months, keep your credit cards up to date. I'm still paying for hosting, but until I figure out a domain worth renewing, I'm back to you, blogspot.

Tonight, I sat and looked at an e-mail a friend had sent suggesting that this person was meant to be alone. I sighed. Whenever anyone says that, I have one thought. As self-pitying as it may seem, I have to think that people don't know the meaning of the word. I laugh to think that they have the stones to say that to me. I, who has been alone for 27 years. One of my big sadnesses is knowing that if I died tomorrow, I could honestly say I have never loved nor been loved in that way. And even if you know me better than I know myself, you can't argue that fact. It is truth.

This always brings me back to Dawson's Creek, when Pacey tries to make Joey realize he loves her. Joey says maybe she's meant to be alone and Pacey, exasperated, says:

Why, Joey? Because you're 16 and alone?

No, because I'm 16 and only two people in my life have ever really known me.

Being 16 and thinking being alone is your destiny does sound a little ridiculous. But being 27 and in that boat... can sometimes seem like a sickness.

FINALLY!

2007-01-23T00:22:00.000+10:00

It's up! It's really up!
www.backonme.com

2007-01-22T00:10:00.000+10:00

Big news in the air. VERY soon. Stay tuned.

2006-11-29T00:32:00.000+10:00

I may start doing this again soon....

June, July, September.

2006-08-31T23:38:00.000+10:00

August kicked me in the butt. Hard. August was not fun. Before this year, I had no beef with August. Four of my favorite people in the world have birthdays in August. But this year, August has forever changed. In 25 minutes it will be September. And all I can do is hope that the bad stays in August.

My mom was admitted to the hospital yesterday. She's back home today, so don't worry. She'll be okay. She's been sick for about a week and she was dehydrated. But today, before I knew that she was going to be discharged, I was sitting at my desk at work and was faced with thoughts that I tried to run away from. I was telling myself that she was going to be okay because I had no indication of anything otherwise. But each time I would say it, I would remember walking in after visiting Lucky the first time and saying that he looked good. Not as bad as I thought. And that he'd be okay and he'd be coming home soon. So, as I got scared while sitting at my desk, I tried to push those thoughts away and put on a tough front. Thoughts of fear were replaced with cynical thoughts. Thoughts so morbid I won't even put them here. Not now. Not so close to all of this.

So, I wish you adieu August. I don't mean to be rude, but I hope you don't mind my saying that I hope we never meet again. Not like this. Just tip your hat and walk away next time.

The hardest thing....

2006-08-08T00:35:00.000+10:00

"Call me before you go to visit him because he may be coming home today."

That was the last conversation that seemed normal. The one after that shattered my world.

This afternoon I wrote a really long essay, explaining what has been going on. It was long and...long. It was the only way I thought I could get the emotion of what I was feeling across. I soon realized that, besides me, no one would really care enough to read through the entire history of the last 15 years of my life...so this is it, condensed.

In my last entry I ended be saying that nothing else matters because my baby was going to be okay. I really believed that. The weekend was like a rollercoaster. I was living it based on the observations of others. And it seemed bleak. I went in to visit him and I was scared of what I would see. Then they brought him out and he looked good. A few more visits and I was convinced that it was just a matter of time before he would be home.

My dog, Lucky, died on Wednesday. The dog that, as a child, I waited so long ot get. The dog that has been a part of my life, a part of my family for almost 15 years. Without that long essay that I wrote, it's hard to understand exactly what he meant to me. When it felt like the world hated me, he never did. Tonight, as I sat on the floor of my dining room in the depths of my depression, I waited for the next part of this routine. On most nights, this is when I look up and look into those eyes that don't judge. That don't care if I'm right or wrong, but are just there. But tonight that wouldn't come. That will never come again. And I don't know how I'll survive nights like that. Alone.

I thought he was going to come home. But the last time I saw him, I told him that if it were up to me, he'd be around forever. But I didn't want him to hurt. So, if he had to go, I'd be okay. The next day he was gone, as if he was waiting for that. I went to the vet and made them take him out. I needed to see him one last time. They brought me into a room where they had really nicely laid him on a pillow and wrapped him in a blanket. He looked like he was sleeping. And now every memory that I have of him ends with that picture. And it makes me sad.

People keep telling me that it will be okay. That it will get better. And I know that's true. Because the movies say so. But right now, it doesn't feel like it. Everyone I've talked to has a Lucky story. And it makes me happy to think that he was in a lot of people's lives. Hearing the stories make me feel better, so feel free to share one if you have one. I want to thank all my friends that have been there for me through this. The ones that have talked me through this. The ones that let me sleep on their couch when the hurt exhausted me. The ones that gave me the reassuring hugs and pats on the back. And the ones who have just been there to take care of the trainwreck that is me. They've been great.

The world feels a little more empty. And I don't know that it could ever feel complete again. But Lucky was a good boy that had 15 great years. And it comforts me to think that he stayed as long as he did not only because we loved him well, but also because he loved us.

Good night, Luck.

Heroes

2006-06-23T00:28:00.000+10:00

he-ro: n. a person noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose, especially one who has risked or sacrificed his or her life

Not so long ago, I had a conversation with a friend of mine about the opportunity for him to emerge as a hero. I think over the course of a lifetime, we are all given an opportunity- maybe several- to prove ourselves worthy of such a title. It is what we do at that crossroad that dictates our place on the moral spectrum. Because at that moment, not only are we capable of becoming a hero, but we equally posess the ability to become the villain. Unfortunately, such is usually the case when evil has a way of appearing more desirable than good. Just as unfortunate is there are people- or even a person- in my life that have chosen to play the part of villain. And they do it well.

There was a time that you were a hero to me. A time in which I thought you had the ability to save me. Over the years, fall after fall, I have witnessed you become the antithesis of the very definition of what a hero is supposed to be. Being a hero was never about climbing walls or flying through the air. At the very core of all heroes is the desire to do what's right. It was Superman giving up the chance to attain a normal life- a life that he wanted- because there was a greater cause to be served. It was Peter Parker willing to risk losing Mary Jane time after time, because Spiderman was needed elsewhere. It was Batman living in a mansion all alone because he couldn't let anyone in.

In the end, you weren't modeled after the heroes brought to us by Marvel or DC. You read more like great literature in the worst way. You are the tragedy that was Oedipus. You are Achilles- not at the height of his heroism, but at the downfall when he stooped so low and disrespectfully dragged Hektor's body through the streets.

You're not a hero. You're not even a sidekick. You're just the person that's going to break my heart. Again.

Rehashed

2006-05-28T18:42:00.000+10:00

Contrary to popular belief- especially for people who do not even know me- my world is small, but not as small as some assume. It is bigger than two people. Granted, some players are more important than others, but it is still much bigger than you would think. Sometimes I talk about nameless souls. Just because they are nameless, doesn't automatically make it a previouslly named soul. Sometimes it's just someone that doesn't need to be named. Ever. Don't be too sensitive of what I say here. And don't think it's about my small world.

In other news. I should have never done it. For what? What did it do? It put someone in jail for two days. The end. Nothing more than that. And now it is the way it is. Had I not done it, I would still walk in a state of fear. But it would just be because of what he could do. I would still be able to say hi if I were with other people. Now, I walk in fear for two reasons. For what he did and for what I did. He walks away angry. And I walk away broken. Again. As if it happened yesterday.

Blood on blood

2006-04-17T23:12:00.000+10:00

I love those guys. It's always a good time. Even when I am, apparently, a tease. I don't know what to say right now. I am happy that he's happy again. It's good to see that. It's also good to have Dave back. And JD's an awesome cook!

Moving on. Notice the similarities....

Return of the Jabberwocky

2006-04-16T00:06:00.000+10:00

He's ba-ack....

And already returning to his role as....well, I'll let you fill that in. Just look at the above picture. It's weird, I didn't even realize how much I missed that guy until I saw him. He's super excited about being back.

Sorry Cheryl, I haven't been updating lately for a variety of reasons. No internet at work, so tired when I get home, not really too sure what to write, and it's been a big couple of weeks. I'm pretty sure I'll be have something to talk about soon enough. Just have to figure out how to approach it.

Night, world. And Happy Easter.

Pictures!

2006-02-24T00:14:00.000+10:00

So, I'm watching an episode of diggnation.....episode 29 to be exact. Is it wrong that I am getting really annoyed and I just want to reach into my computer and fix Kevin's shirt sleeve which has rolled up ever so slightly? I can't stand it. Every second that passes, he becomes a worse person. I'm starting to notice that he's a bit too serious and not fun. I think I'm just looking for reasons to not like him. All because of that damn sleeve.

On to the picture post that I've been promising! A girl of her word, I am!

We'll start off with a word from our sponsors. A public service announcement actually.

Right before this picture was taken, he was actually giving me a lecture about eating vegetables. What does ice cream have to do with vegetables you ask? According to JD eating vegetables would make me healthier and therefore offset my lactose intolerancy. So, the tag line to this commercial is: Eat you vegetables and you, too, could be eating ice cream at lunch."

A few days ago, Josh and I were rocking out to all the good music. You know: Cyndi Lauper, Debbie Gibson, Boyz II Men, and Wilson Phillips. Stuff like that. We were wondering if spending our time like this was pleasing to the universe when we were given a sign. It was during rocking out to Wilson Phillips, heavy metal devil horns proudly being thrown around and all, that this sign came to us. We were just driving by when we realized that God rocks out to Hold On, too. As proven by this:

Rock on, Wilson Phillips, rock on!

And finally we hung out at JD and Jon's house earlier this week. It was like a camping trip. JD built a fort and everything. I think I'll let the photos speak for themselves.

Doesn't Jon look like a Glow Worm all wrapped up like that?

And that's us in JD's fort. We felt like 2nd graders and in this picture we kind of look like 2nd graders. Fun times.

Well, that's the picture post I promised....hopefully we do something equally fun soon and we have more pictures. My friends are awesome!