Fairy Godmother

I find that I blog most often when I'm crying on the bathroom floor. When everything sucks and things don't seem like they can get any worse. But not today. Today, I start blogging when I'm happy. And few things have made me as happy as I was last night.

Diana gave birth. Her family is the closest thing we have to family here. That's not correct, they are family. I've known her forever. I was a bridesmaid at her wedding and was witness to the journey to the birth of this baby. It was a difficult road, but they stayed positive even on the darkest days. The happiness everyone feels for them is pretty overwhelming.

The day after Audrene was born, I went to visit the little family at the hospital. I haven't been around a lot of babies in my life. I love them and I'm told I'm pretty good with them, but I don't know how to take care of them. I've never fully changed a diaper and I have rules about holding them. They need to be able to hold their own head up. I'm really scared at how fragile they are. And that night wasn't any different. My heart was full at seeing her, but I kept my distance. I could stare at her all night though. So, then Diana introduced us.

Audrene, this is your Ninang.

I was caught off guard. I thought it was a slip of the tongue. She had just had a baby, it's understandable that her mind was tired. So, I played it off so things wouldn't get "awkward" at the mistake.

What?....(trailing giggle, while keeping eyes fixed on the baby)

Yeah, I'm not the best at avoiding awkward situations. She went on explaining.

Well, this is your MAIN Ninang.

I was so surprised. All I could squeak out was an, "Are you serious???" I could have happy cried. This is my first godchild. By all accounts, that's pretty amazing. Most people I know have 5 or 6 godkids. I was seriously starting to think there was something wrong with me. Was I a bad person? Did I emotionally remove myself from all my relationships with people to the point of no one feeling close enough to ask me?

I am pretty stoked. I drove home trying to figure out the exact duties of a godparent. I'm going to have to learn how to hold her. And probably change a diaper. I want to be able to take care of her if they need me to. I want to be close to her. I want to be fun, loving, understanding, but still respected Ninang Colynn all rolled into one. I'm already thinking how I want to have scheduled me and baby time when she's old enough. Movie days, lunch treats, that kind of thing. I know I'm romanticizing it. Nothing ever happens the way you want it to. But it's my sincerest intentions to have that kind of relationship with her. Most importantly I just want to be a good godmother.

Now, just get a little stronger so I could snuggle you in my arms. I can't wait.

Ordering Flowers

My first job was at a flower shop. I kind of grew up there and they're like family. This is how ordering flowers from there goes now:

Me: Hey, I need to order a lei for my mom.

Flower Shop: Okay.

Me: I'll be by after I get off work to pick it up.

Flower Shop: So, you're coming after work to make it?

Me: Yeah. Thanks, guys.

Amid the Pile

I had the mini-breakdown that had been festering beneath the surface for the last few weeks yesterday. And, as is typical, it came at the most inopportune time. You know how you try to hold it in because you don't want anyone else to have to deal with your crazy. Then it just explodes at the worst possible time for the other person and at a time that maximizes how crazy you look. That's what happened.

Josh met a girl he likes. This is a good thing, but it brings with it so many other things. The main thing being my ever-present feeling that people aren't my friend because they like me, but because it is convenient for them at that point in time. With the presence of someone new, there is no longer a need for me and the friendship ends, I never hear from him again, etc. He probably gets it the worst because of everything I've put on him and the fact that, you know, he's the last one left! Poor guy. He thinks my fears are unwarranted. I think I have valid reasons.

In any case, I am determined to make this time different. I think I've found what went wrong. This could totally work.

I think that's what is always said before the boom.

Class of 1999

I feel like I blinked and a decade had gone by. I went to my 10 year high school reunion. As I put my earrings on at the beginning of the evening, I realized that I wasn't anywhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life. No successful career, no husband and 2.5 kids. I am no closer to those things than I was 10 years ago. To top it all off, I was feeling like an ugly duckling. As I pressed my lipsticked lips together for the last once over in the mirror, I thought to myself, "Well, this is as good as it's gonna get." I wasn't looking down on myself, it's just how I felt. And that made me a little sad.

The reunion, itself, wasn't so bad. It wasn't great, but it was about what I expected it to be. We were at our tables, we were in our cliques. To say it wasn't great isn't really being fair. Maybe it was just the food that sucked. Seeing the girls was fun. I mingled, Diana won a camera. For the most part, 10 years hasn't done much. We're all still the same. We're loud. We like to have fun.

Afterwards, Dai and I talked about stuff over McNuggets. Like I said, the food sucked. That was probably the highlight. I like our catch-up conversations. Then Josh called me for "woman" advice. I told him I probably wasn't the best person to be talking to about this, but we did and I was more opinionated than I thought I would be. It was probably all lost on him. I think, as much as he hates this characteristic in me, he also will do what he wants to do regardless of what anyone tells him. Perhaps my own cynic view on life, love, and relationships is to blame, but I found it really difficult to have that conversation with him. I guess the ugly duckling feeling I had all night didn't help that any either.

Ten years went by way too quickly. And I'm wondering why I still don't have any of the things I thought I'd have by now. Things to think about. In any case, congratulations 99 Cougars. It was interesting....

Ugh.

I guess "Back With A Vengeance" really meant that I would write one entry and then disappear for seven months. Sorry about that.

A million things have happened since then, but most of them aren't really that important. Cheryl unexpectedly came back for the summer. That was a good surprise, but it went by too quickly. During her stay we saw a few movies, went to the beach a few times, played Rock Band (not nearly enough), and ate more often than we should have. Thanks to those beach days, I'm about a shade and a half darker than I used to be. It's an accomplishment, but I'm beginning not to like it.

Char officially lives here. Her employment and acquisition of a boyfriend cemented it for me. Eric's a nice guy, but now that Cheryl is gone I'm not sure how often I'll be seeing those crazy kids. I love hanging out with Char, but I'm sure the third wheel will feel awkward for everyone.

Christine got engaged. In Forks, no less. Shh, don't tell Murl he proposed in Forks. I'm preparing for my fifth walk down the aisle as a bridesmaid. I'm thinking it will be my last. I just don't really think anyone else thinks enough of me to ask me again. This is a good one to go out on and I'm super excited.

She's not the only one. Darah is engaged and has set her date for the week after Chris' and Kai has set hers for November 2010. I had dinner with Dai, Nat, Shell, and Kai last night. With Michelle now a married woman and a month before the baby comes, I'm definitely beginning to feel all the change that is going on around me. Nat and I discussed the possibility of our going lesbian just because that is starting to seem like the only option open.

If all that weren't enough to amplify the sound of my ticking clock, my 10 year reunion is this Saturday. Ugh. We'll see how it goes.

Back With a Vengeance

I almost forgot how to work this thing.

I deleted almost everything a long time ago, thinking it was time to move on to something new. Moving on meant moving the entries to another location in case I wanted to revisit it someday. Moving on wasn't really moving on at all. I got my own site because having my own domain was cool. But it proved too taxing for scatterbrained me. You have to renew it every few months, keep your credit cards up to date. I'm still paying for hosting, but until I figure out a domain worth renewing, I'm back to you, blogspot.

Tonight, I sat and looked at an e-mail a friend had sent suggesting that this person was meant to be alone. I sighed. Whenever anyone says that, I have one thought. As self-pitying as it may seem, I have to think that people don't know the meaning of the word. I laugh to think that they have the stones to say that to me. I, who has been alone for 27 years. One of my big sadnesses is knowing that if I died tomorrow, I could honestly say I have never loved nor been loved in that way. And even if you know me better than I know myself, you can't argue that fact. It is truth.

This always brings me back to Dawson's Creek, when Pacey tries to make Joey realize he loves her. Joey says maybe she's meant to be alone and Pacey, exasperated, says:

Why, Joey? Because you're 16 and alone?

No, because I'm 16 and only two people in my life have ever really known me.

Being 16 and thinking being alone is your destiny does sound a little ridiculous. But being 27 and in that boat... can sometimes seem like a sickness.

FINALLY!

It's up! It's really up!
www.backonme.com